Behind the Mask

We live in a world where everything is filtered. Our social media feeds always show the greatest moments in our lives. We are all living an incredible life where nothing ever goes wrong. I’m writing this today to pull off the mask and expose something I’ve been fighting most of my life. I’m sharing this in hopes it will help someone. I’m sharing this to bring awareness to an issue that plagues more people than we can possibly imagine.

Let me start by saying I don’t handle failure well. I know that is true for most people but, the pressure I place on myself isn’t fair or kind.  I’ve always punished myself for not accomplishing what I set out to complete. This applies to small things such as menial everyday tasks, my athletic feats and of course my relationships. I can only explain this feeling as utter devastation when failure crosses my path no matter how minor or insignificant.

Over the past year I’ve been feeling as if my life was stuck in a downward spiral and even though I knew what was going on in my head I couldn’t pull out of the descent. For most of my life I’ve been dealing with depression. For the most part I’ve been able to handle what was happening and talk myself through each moment. This strategy has worked well for me or so I thought. The reality was that I was only suppressing all of the dark feelings and emotions instead of finding solutions and developing tools needed to survive.

Recently I had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a failed long term relationship. This triggered all of the buried feelings I thought I had dealt with. Opening my Pandora’s box to engulf me in a an extreme darkness. This dark place is somewhere I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’m not a religious man but being swallowed by this feeling turned out to be a blessing because if not for some caring friends I wouldn’t be here today to share my story.

Knowing I was at rock bottom I had two choices. Let the depression take me or fight back.With a clouded mind this was not an easy decision but, I chose to fight. With assistance and persuasion I found help to deal with this darkness. I was stripped down to a vulnerable and sensitive core forcing me to accept where I was at in life.

I knew I needed help to get through this ugly stage but, I also viewed it as a weakness. I'm sure this was my pride and ego fighting to keep the status quo so i could stay inside of my comfort zone. My initial reaction was to be defensive and instantly jump into the victim roll because of course I have no ownership in any of these failures (please note the sarcasm). Well, that is until someone was finally strong enough to challenge me on my bullshit.

Without going into the weeds of what truly happened I came to realize that my depression has played a major role in the failure of not just my last relationship but, every relationship I’ve had as a man. Yes, wrongs were committed against me but, none of that matters. I’ve never held myself accountable for the decisions I’ve made. I’ve never held myself accountable for not taking action to care for my mental well being.

Slowly I’ve started to rebuild. Accepting the help and not seeing it as a weakness. This help is teaching me how to take responsibility for my actions, reactions and decisions  I’m learning how to open myself up and allow people into this tangled mind of mine. Most of all I’m learning how to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you approve of what was done to you. In my case it means accepting what is. Accepting the mistakes I made and allowing myself to let go of all that has been weighing me down. I now believe by allowing myself to find acceptance it will open my life to new possibilities, new routines and new friendships. Maybe, one day a new relationship. One that I can build from the ground up.  Forgiveness isn’t easy but to move forward in life you need to forgive yourself first before you can forgive others.


This stretch of life has not been easy. I’ve had great friends walk away but, I’ve also built unexpected friendships with people I’ve grown to love and trust wholeheartedly. Two major components of life that I’ve always struggled to share. I believe that exposing what I’ve been dealing with will help someone. Finding and asking for help to deal with the low points in your life is not a weakness as I previously thought. In fact it shows how strong you have to be to want to live life. There is still a long road ahead of me with an immense amount of work still to complete. There are moments and days when I want to give up. Then I pause and remember how far I've come. I think about all of the brilliant experiences in life that I love so dearly and I keep going.


If you've read the previous entries in this blog you know that running has saved me. I run almost every day with the majority of  my miles solo. Recently, I learned why I prefer the solitude. I don't run as an escape but, the way my mind is wired I need that time to regroup and recharge. A simple reminder that tells me I can make it through. I'm strong enough to keep pushing through difficult times.


In a few weeks on April 15th I will be running my first Boston Marathon. an accomplishment I never thought I would achieve. I do have some lofty goals for this race but, fighting back from where I was to toeing the line will be a victory in itself. In the past I've always carried my negative thoughts with me along the marathon distance dropping them from my heart mile by mile. Boston will not be any different. I will scatter all of the hurt and heartache as I make my way from Hopkinton to Boston. Knowing I will cross the finish line a changed man, a better man and more importantly a healthy man ready to start a new chapter. Ready to build a future I know I finally deserve.