Behind the Mask

We live in a world where everything is filtered. Our social media feeds always show the greatest moments in our lives. We are all living an incredible life where nothing ever goes wrong. I’m writing this today to pull off the mask and expose something I’ve been fighting most of my life. I’m sharing this in hopes it will help someone. I’m sharing this to bring awareness to an issue that plagues more people than we can possibly imagine.

Let me start by saying I don’t handle failure well. I know that is true for most people but, the pressure I place on myself isn’t fair or kind.  I’ve always punished myself for not accomplishing what I set out to complete. This applies to small things such as menial everyday tasks, my athletic feats and of course my relationships. I can only explain this feeling as utter devastation when failure crosses my path no matter how minor or insignificant.

Over the past year I’ve been feeling as if my life was stuck in a downward spiral and even though I knew what was going on in my head I couldn’t pull out of the descent. For most of my life I’ve been dealing with depression. For the most part I’ve been able to handle what was happening and talk myself through each moment. This strategy has worked well for me or so I thought. The reality was that I was only suppressing all of the dark feelings and emotions instead of finding solutions and developing tools needed to survive.

Recently I had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a failed long term relationship. This triggered all of the buried feelings I thought I had dealt with. Opening my Pandora’s box to engulf me in a an extreme darkness. This dark place is somewhere I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’m not a religious man but being swallowed by this feeling turned out to be a blessing because if not for some caring friends I wouldn’t be here today to share my story.

Knowing I was at rock bottom I had two choices. Let the depression take me or fight back.With a clouded mind this was not an easy decision but, I chose to fight. With assistance and persuasion I found help to deal with this darkness. I was stripped down to a vulnerable and sensitive core forcing me to accept where I was at in life.

I knew I needed help to get through this ugly stage but, I also viewed it as a weakness. I'm sure this was my pride and ego fighting to keep the status quo so i could stay inside of my comfort zone. My initial reaction was to be defensive and instantly jump into the victim roll because of course I have no ownership in any of these failures (please note the sarcasm). Well, that is until someone was finally strong enough to challenge me on my bullshit.

Without going into the weeds of what truly happened I came to realize that my depression has played a major role in the failure of not just my last relationship but, every relationship I’ve had as a man. Yes, wrongs were committed against me but, none of that matters. I’ve never held myself accountable for the decisions I’ve made. I’ve never held myself accountable for not taking action to care for my mental well being.

Slowly I’ve started to rebuild. Accepting the help and not seeing it as a weakness. This help is teaching me how to take responsibility for my actions, reactions and decisions  I’m learning how to open myself up and allow people into this tangled mind of mine. Most of all I’m learning how to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you approve of what was done to you. In my case it means accepting what is. Accepting the mistakes I made and allowing myself to let go of all that has been weighing me down. I now believe by allowing myself to find acceptance it will open my life to new possibilities, new routines and new friendships. Maybe, one day a new relationship. One that I can build from the ground up.  Forgiveness isn’t easy but to move forward in life you need to forgive yourself first before you can forgive others.


This stretch of life has not been easy. I’ve had great friends walk away but, I’ve also built unexpected friendships with people I’ve grown to love and trust wholeheartedly. Two major components of life that I’ve always struggled to share. I believe that exposing what I’ve been dealing with will help someone. Finding and asking for help to deal with the low points in your life is not a weakness as I previously thought. In fact it shows how strong you have to be to want to live life. There is still a long road ahead of me with an immense amount of work still to complete. There are moments and days when I want to give up. Then I pause and remember how far I've come. I think about all of the brilliant experiences in life that I love so dearly and I keep going.


If you've read the previous entries in this blog you know that running has saved me. I run almost every day with the majority of  my miles solo. Recently, I learned why I prefer the solitude. I don't run as an escape but, the way my mind is wired I need that time to regroup and recharge. A simple reminder that tells me I can make it through. I'm strong enough to keep pushing through difficult times.


In a few weeks on April 15th I will be running my first Boston Marathon. an accomplishment I never thought I would achieve. I do have some lofty goals for this race but, fighting back from where I was to toeing the line will be a victory in itself. In the past I've always carried my negative thoughts with me along the marathon distance dropping them from my heart mile by mile. Boston will not be any different. I will scatter all of the hurt and heartache as I make my way from Hopkinton to Boston. Knowing I will cross the finish line a changed man, a better man and more importantly a healthy man ready to start a new chapter. Ready to build a future I know I finally deserve.

Getting Lost

   Watching the sun wake the world and listening to nothing but the sounds of the birds singing can bring a calm to one's soul. As any runner will tell you being out on the roads or trails can be magical if you just open your eyes. Being able to witness the beauty of this world is something we all take for granted and if we're smart we can take a step back and appreciate the forest instead of being lost among the trees. After being lost for so many months a calm breeze kissed my skin this morning and whispered  "wake up" and instantly I felt as if I could breathe again.

   This past Sunday I ran my seventh marathon in Cleveland, Ohio.  Getting lost in the numbers I was instantly let down by my performance. With the overwhelming feeling of panic consuming my being I immediately began to look for my next marathon to redeem myself. Being able to stop and be in the moment today made me realize that I am truly lost but having the sun warm my heart and the breeze kiss my soul I was able to pick my head up and know that I can find the way home.

   Lost in my selfish disappointment I failed to see the beauty surrounding me and this past Sunday it was all around. Lost in my own self pity I failed to embrace a friends encouragement around mile 21 and for that moment I let it break me. As she grew smaller and smaller on the horizon I felt completely shattered until I realized I wasn't. Anger set in and I decided to finish as strong as I could. With my friend completely out of sight I somehow found the strength to pick up my pace and find her. Catching her with only a tenth or two left in the race we crossed the finish line together. This moment made for the best finish to any race I had ever run. The emotion of that moment witnessing my friend reach her goal and qualify for the Boston Marathon was overwhelming.

   Lost in my own heartbreak I failed to see that I had friends all around me, caring about me and celebrating being able to conquer another marathon. Lost among the weeds of self loathing I failed to embrace the company of friends that in all honesty I didn't have a year ago. Friends who are made from the same fabric. Friends who share the same passion. Lost in disdain I failed to embrace the fact I managed a personal best even though my friends celebrated it for me.

   With all of that confusion and noise cluttering my mind blocking my view of the forest I've come to the realization that there is more to running than just achieving your goals. It's the community, companionship, passion and most of all it's the friendship that grows over the miles. So with a humble heart I sincerely want to thank Julie Rudolph, Amanda Fire, Amy Pagac, Ashley and Sal Wood, Becky and Mark Rudzik, Brooke and Erin Schumacher, Cory McCusker, Jay Layshock, Jo Butchko, Scooby, Kara Sheesley, Kevin Guthrie, Liz Yazbek, Mary Beth Acker, Mike Mallis, Vince Marino, Tammy McFarland, Jason Hanysh, Todd Perren, Tom Grantonic, Danielle Cerroni, Justin and Joshua Boggs and Wendy Kish along with everyone in the Youngstown Road Runners Club for giving me a piece of your time even if it was just a wave out on the road. With all of that said I want to give a special thanks to Jaclyn DiSibio for reminding me that my heart was stronger than my mind this past Sunday and a VERY special thanks to Amanda McNich who has come into my life and completely changed the road I've been traveling. Without her heart and her ability to see the good in people I wouldn't be here today. She save me and that appreciation can't be put into words.

   Everyone gets lost from time to time but being able to pause and embrace all that is around you can make the difference in finding your way home and continuing to wander without a direction.

Cracks in the Road

   Another year is winding down and soon the snow and freezing temperatures will have a tight grip on this part of Ohio. November is the month where I like to take a step back and reflect on what has taken place in my life throughout the year. I have become a firm believer that taking a personal inventory gives me a better perspective and appreciation for the people, events and actions that have filled this years calendar.


    For the past four months I have felt like my life has been in a rut. That state of mind where you wake up in the morning and just go through the motions. A growing emotion of frustration as if you are at the Doctor's office waiting for your appointment but never being called. Carrying this bag of emotions as if it were a delicate vase afraid to do anything with it because I didn't want it to break.


   The days and weeks following the Columbus Marathon magnified these feelings as if they were under a high powered microscope. Heading into this race I was feeling confident and strong. I was coming off of a personal best marathon three weeks prior and I expected to break through my glass ceiling in Columbus to get one step closer to Boston. Months of training, eating right and getting up early for those long Sunday runs all exploded shortly after mile 14 of the race when a pop in my hip stopped me in my tracks.


   Quitting isn't in my DNA and although I've failed many times in my life I can honestly say I've never quit. This pain in my hip almost forced me to walk off the course, almost. I hobbled along thinking that I'll get to mile 17 and run through The Ohio State Buckeye stadium,  (one of the reasons I chose this race, GO BUCKS !!) and then pull out. Then that little voice in my head started to call me names most to vulgar to describe. Whispering in my ear to suck it up and just when I needed it the most there was someone holding a sign that read "Pain is only temporary". I pushed on and hobbled to my worst finish of the year. This marathon broke me down physically and mentally and although some would say a 3:48 is a great time for me I felt like it was my biggest failure.


  Attempting to cope with this and put it behind me was harder than training. I kept telling myself and others I was OK with it and I've moved on but that wasn't the case. Holding on to something or someone never has a good outcome but this was a piece of the puzzle that I was determined to solve. So the weeks passed by with a steady pace allowing me to find a way to accept this along with other failures mounted throughout the year.


   Doctor's orders were take two weeks off so I took one and then slowly began to log miles again. Running is where I sort out my problems. Where I'm able to have absolute clarity so two weeks seemed a little extreme at least for my mental well being. Then while out on a slow run I took a deep breath and with that exhale a weight was lifted. Even though the long shadows of a mid November afternoon were reaching far across the landscape it felt as if the sun were rising for the second time that day and in that light the cracks in the road were highlighted.


  Staring at the road on that steady slow run I kept gazing into the cracks on the surface. One by one along that eight mile jaunt they hypnotized me and when I was finished everything that had been on my mind seemed to be gone. Those cracks in the road were telling me to let go of everything. Those imperfections that make me who I am also make me strong, flexible and forgiving. Cracks in the road that quite possibly no one else will notice. Cracks in my heart and soul that have made me the man I am today and will shape who I will become tomorrow.


   Running for me is experiencing life wide open. It provides a much needed peace for my soul and a love for my heart that is difficult to put into words. Over the next mile of my life I'm sure there will be happiness, sadness, love and heartache. All that are cracks in my road but more importantly make for a beautiful place to run.

  

I Think of You...

   Sunday is my favorite day of the week. Being that I'm a creature of habit I tend to wake up before the sun. The world is still spinning but most of the time life seems to be standing still. Sunday is the one day of the week where I generally get in my long run, even if I'm not training for anything specific. The peace I get being out on the road before the world opens their eyes has a very calming effect on me and resets my restless mind for the upcoming week.

   As any runner would tell you there are a plethora of ideas and thoughts that cross our minds when we are pounding the pavement or running the trails. I tend to use the road as much needed time with my best friend and this past Sunday we decided to shared some memories. Memories that made me smile and a few that caused a tear or two.

   Mile 2 of a 13 mile run I was focused and could feel my body starting to get loose finally hitting a nice pace. Concentrating on my form, breathing and pace as I usually do during training. Suddenly my mind wandered completely off the reservation and all because of one song that popped up on my iPod. Colder Weather by the Zac Brown Band.


   This song will always be linked to the loss of my boxer Sammy, not because of the words or the story it tells but because it was the song playing on the way home from the vet that sad day I said goodbye. So with that in mind it probably goes without saying that when the tune hit my ears more than a few tears were shed as I remembered all of the crazy, happy years we spent together.


   As the tears dried up I thought about all of the funny times we shared and those memories brought a smile to my face. I know she's in a better place and that eases the ache in my heart. My mind drifted to the people that have come and gone in my life over the past several years. My memories of the people that have touched or inspired me and the friends that made me realize that life could be worse. The remainder of the run I thought about each of them and where they are in life. I thought about why our friendships faded. I second guessed myself for not telling them how much they meant to me and how they touched my life.


   I often question myself when I'm on a run. The questions can be very simple to life altering decisions. On this day I questioned why in certain cases I didn't fight to keep those incredible people in my life and just as a cloud passes over the sun I realized that this is the way things are suppose to be. Sometimes you can fight too hard and push someone away, sometimes not hard enough and that someone will pass through your life like a summer breeze. On that run I accepted that everyone is on their own road. Running at their own pace sometimes joining you for a mile or two until their path takes them in a different direction. I guess hearing that song made me realize that I need to work on showing my appreciation for friends while we're still running together. Maybe our paths will cross again where I can show my appreciation. I'll keep hoping that if or when they do I'm able to express to them the same love and happiness that I shared with my old boxer Sammy. 

Moving Forward

  
      After an extended hiatus I finally decided to sit down and organize my thoughts. The thoughts that have been consuming my energy on so many of my long runs. Cluttering my mind like a busy white board at the end of a seminar. Quite honestly the need to do this was long overdue. As Summer comes to a close the feeling of starting a new season with a new state of mind is a much welcomed idea.


   This morning tossing and turning in bed I decided to get up and go for a run. Just a short 10 miler knowing I have another 15 to run this evening. It's amazing how you can see the world, your world if you take a moment and enjoy it from a different perspective or in my case gazing at it in a different light. I'm on a route that I've run so many times before. I came upon a part of the road that looked different. For some reason I never noticed that this particular stretch of road was a hill. Could have been the lighting or lack there of that highlighted this but in that moment all of the crazy thoughts that have been littering my mind started to fall into place.


   The last Marathon I ran was back in June. Three weeks prior to this race my confidence was at an all time high. I was coming off of a strong 20 mile training run on the course and I had done all of the hard sometimes grueling work that a runner does to get ready for the Marathon distance. My goals were right there on the horizon waiting for me to grab and then came my taper. I have never been loyal to the taper and because of that I decided to log some extra miles. Before I knew it I crossed over the line and my hamstrings said they had enough. Over trained and very tight on race day I still had high hopes of hitting my goal.


   Cruising along just dealing with the tight legs something else decided to smack me across the face. At mile 18 on that hot, early summer day a severe dehydration began to set in. I never planned on this being an issue. There were moments over the last 8.2 miles when I didn't think I was going to finish. There were times when I didn't know where I was and my head was so dizzy I wanted to pass out. This was the first race my family and friends attended so with them giving up their time and not understanding the thrill running gives me I continued to fight and move forward to get to the finish.


    This race has been a mirror for the path of my life over the past several months and has taught me more about living than probably any race I've run. I won't bore you with the details but just like this course my life has been hill after long hill. Climbing one and celebrating the accomplishment to letting my pace open up enjoying the ride on the down slope only to look up and see another challenge staring back at me. Over and over climbing one hill after another with the finish no where in sight.


   Out on the road this morning I realized that everything in our lives can relate to a Marathon. You can do too much and have that impact what you are striving for. You can do everything right and still be derailed by the unexpected and you can love something or someone too much where you ignore what's right for your own health and well being. I now understand that letting go of something you love in order to heal only makes the heart and body stronger. At 38 years old I know I'm not where I want to be in this life but I have had a taste of what makes me happy and if I need to start over in order to keep moving forward then I accept that this is my road. I believe that if I keep moving then I will cross that finish line and that happiness will last an eternity.

  


  




  

Running the Obvious Path

     The calendar tells us that it's winter here in North East Ohio but I think that Old Man Winter is still on vacation because the warm temperatures have been a pleasant surprise. Yesterday was Christmas and families and friends gathered all over the world to celebrate and enjoy the holiday. I began my day with an early Christmas morning run. It may not seem like much but that run was a little gift to myself and was just enough to slow the hectic pace of the holiday season. Nothing but a quiet run in the dark before the world was awake with only the sound of my footsteps to make everything seem right.

   My day continued as I celebrated with my brothers, parents and sister in law. As usual we enjoyed great food, laughs and some crazy gifts that Santa has been known for giving and although the day was fun and spirited something seemed a little different. I can't say if it was a good different or a bad different things were just different.

   I headed home digesting the day and all of the food and decided to go for another run. This run was mainly to help burn the excessive amount of calories I consumed but along that 7 mile stretch of road something hit me that seemed to put things into perspective or at least explain that different feeling. Two separate runs and two separate experiences. Early in the dark morning with only the sound of my footsteps and the beats of my heart to an early evening jaunt where the lives holiday travelers exhausted from the days events buzzing through town retuning home.

   I know that I'm stating the obvious here but my moment of clarity came when I realized that everything is constantly changing. It's such an basic observation but one that I'm sure most of us take for granted or at least never take the time to appreciate.

   There is the old saying that people don't change and after yesterday I couldn't disagree more. We all are changing. Every single day we change and mostly because our lives are filled with the chaos of living we don't quite recognize the subtle differences that occur. For the past several years I have been consumed with trying to be a better person all dictated from my past experiences when all along I have been changing. For the first time I am actually comfortable in my own skin. I'm at peace with where I'm at in life and there is a calm surrounding my future.

   The miles I've been running on "My Road" have given me the experience, patience and understanding to finally come to terms with who I am as a person. For most, all of the running I do may seem a little obsessive or an escape from reality. When all along I was just attempting to put life into perspective. I finally realized that I'm not chasing anything. I'm not running from anything. I'm just a runner, a runner who just loves to run. I'm a runner who uses the cadence of my heart to put a little bit of clarity into this wonderful world we are living in and accept the changes that come day by day.

  As 2011 comes to a close I wish everyone the same clarity and peace that I found along that seven mile stretch of road in the new year. I hope everyone takes the time to pause from life and recognize all of the beautiful changes that surround us and by taking the time to admire the obvious our friendships, relationships, marriages and most importantly our lives will be better.

 Happy New Year and take the time to enjoy that deep breath of life that we all so enjoy.

A Family

   It's less than 24 hours after my first Ultra Marathon Relay and, as with most of my races I like to take time to reflect on what I had experienced. Between last nights late drive home and this mornings recovery run I was able to put my my thoughts and feelings into perspective.

   Looking back over the past year it's a crazy story how I ended up running some extreme trails in Hell, MI on a late September day. I'll spare you with the details of where it all began but will mention that all of this started with an unlikely friendship. A friendship that I'm extremely grateful for and lucky to have. With that being said I didn't quite know that this friendship would play such a big role in my life until today.

   Most of the people in my life know my Achilles heel has been that I'm a creature of habit. So for me taking the opportunity to run some trails when I've been stuck on pavement was a huge leap. It may sound silly but putting this race on my calendar was a huge  for opportunity for me, one that I've been looking forward to for quite some time.

   I'm off !! My first leg of the race and honestly I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was that it was a 6 mile leg of rolling hills and that I had to follow the pink flags. Heading into the woods solo was awesome. I had no idea where I was going and what I was about to experience. I quickly found a comfortable pace or so I thought until I rolled my ankle (twice). Shortly after tripping on a root so I decided to back off the throttle and enjoy the run, besides this was just for fun. After about a mile I began to catch runners and remembering the lesson on trail etiquette that my friend Maureen gave me, my new favorite saying became "on your left" as I began to pass the runners ahead of me. After passing about 15 runners I was hooked. I'm not a hunter but that's exactly what I felt like in the woods. With every twist and turn I couldn't wait to set my sights on the next athlete so I could make the pass. Looking back at that first leg the finish is what prompted this chapter. Flying down hill to a cheering crowd and not really knowing anyone except my friend Maureen I began to noticed some familiar faces from the the night before. All of their cheering and screaming for me to catch the runner in front of me drove me to pick up the pace. I was flying not only because of the cheering but because I wanted to put distance in between me and the girl that was dressed like a Ninja Turtle. Appropriately Maureen was there for the hand off and with a kind smile I think she knew that I was loving every second of this race.

   As the hours began to pass the team that I was on began to loosen up, as did I. As we traveled between exchange points a little bit more of their personalities began to shine through that cloudy cool day. The Mud Mama's were becoming a family or at least that's how I felt. Maureen, the leader of the team feeling under the weather soldiered through her legs showing that she is a pure runner and athlete at heart. Shannon, powered through some tough and at times monotonous running (completing the same leg twice) and probably pushed me to run harder knowing she is one bad ass athlete. Maggie was the sparky little runner who, in hindsight forced me to run faster mainly because I didn't want to let her speed beat mine although I think it did. Finally there was Mindy a team player who picked up some extra miles running all with a smile on her face. I'm still not sure where my place was on the team but each of the girls (in their own way) made me feel as if I was part of the family and that in itself was worth the trip.

  All of these thoughts were circulating through my head today as I savored the entire experience. Being able to share it with people, who throughout a 10 hour period grew from strangers to teammates to friends all because of our love for competition and running.

   Running, what a funny sport. It has the power to bring complete strangers together. Strangers who over time become a family all because we decide to lace up and put one foot in front of another out on the road or in the woods. A family who understands that drive inside that makes us go out and do that extra mile and more importantly supports that drive. So whether it's your neighbor who gets up at 5:00 am to help you through a long run, someone at the local running club or someone you've connected with online cherish and continue to support them. Support their pace, their drive and their heart because like I recently discovered with the Mud Mama's we are all one big family.

 

The Gift of Running

   It's the tail end of August 2011 and I along with everyone else in Northeast Ohio is witnessing summer fade away. As much as I love Fall I'm always sad to see Summer leave. The heat this year has made training difficult but nonetheless I cherished every drop of sweat that fell into my eyes.

   The air is a bit cooler in the mornings. The sights and sounds of the local football teams gearing up for another season and the high school bands tuning their instruments for those all important Friday nights are all taken in on an early morning run. The Summer heat still warms the midday but the shadows from the trees grow longer, earlier as the days grow shorter. Running during this time of the year always makes me reflect. I'm not sure if it's because it's the beginning of the season change or something deeper but the isolation of a long run has the power to cleanse my mind and make me notice what road I'm are headed down.

   I have grown so much over the past eight months as a runner. I've been able to conquer more than I ever thought possible. From marathon training in the cold winter to finishing my second marathon with a pulled hamstring. Setting a new PR for a half marathon. Completing training runs in 100+ degree heat along with knowing when to cut a run short because it's just not safe.

   Growing stronger as a runner has without a doubt carried over to my life off the road. I attempt to learn something new about myself on every run and usually file away that lesson to use in my everyday life. The days where the running is tough I'll use that experience to allow me to grow. The training runs that are easy and effortless are savored and used to appreciate the small things in life.

   The most important lesson I've learned over the past eight months is that taking a chance on something is completely worth the risk. This was learned in the only half marathon I've run this year at mile 10. With 3.1 miles left in the race I decided to let go and open up my pace. In the past I've always been worried that I would run out of steam before the finish and be disappointed with the end result. I was always the one to maintain my even split and be content with my consistency. So in that brief moment at mile 10 I decided to open up and step on the throttle. Taking this chance and trying something new opened a new world for me. I finished the last 3.1 miles at a 6:03 pace and was completely spent when crossing the finish. That chance that I took paid off with a new PR (a 10 minute improvement) and more importantly the feeling of breaking my glass house and being free. Freedom to not be afraid to try something or go somewhere, freedom to not be afraid to let someone into my life, and freedom to let go of my perceived guilt's and the "what ifs" in life.

   Running is a gift that most people don't quite understand. Running can open your eyes and allow you to see clear. It can open your mind in order to make sense of murky life situations. Running also has the ability to open up your heart and fill it with passion, patience and love all of which runs short in life. Running gives you strength to take a chance and embrace all of the unknown that comes in this crazy sport we call life. So take a chance and open up your pace from time to time. The rewards are worth the risk both on the road and off and the lessons learned (successes and failures) are life moments to be embraced. Happy running and enjoy the gift of your feet hitting the ground and your heart opening to new experiences.

  

  

Blueprints

  This morning I've decided to force myself to sit down and reevaluate where I'm at with my training and my life. I've been off the radar so to speak since the Marathon in April. Mostly because I'm a creature of habit and I tend to fall into a comfortable routine in which I don't like to break.With that being said I also believe that every now and again everyone needs to pause and look back in order to move forward. So, here I am pressing the pause button...again.

   Since the beginning of the year I've been drawing this blueprint. A master plan to reach my training goals, and a plan on what direction I want my life to head. During all of this I've been taking inventory with what and who is in my life. Running has become such a huge part of my life. As anyone that runs knows hitting the road always gives back more than what it takes. This is hard to explain and honestly to people that don't run it may sound like a bunch of gibberish but there is something to be said about how a run can center you and bring things into focus.

   To say that running has been a struggle for me over the past several months would be an understatement. Not because it's hard to lace up (well sometimes) but because of the physical strain and mental pressure I place on myself. I'm a perfectionist and mediocrity doesn't sit very well with me. I have been working hard at getting faster so that one day I'll be able to run the streets of Boston. I've increased my mileage, done the speed work, run the hills and every time I head out is like game day. Trying to maintain my focus and keep my eye on the ultimate goal. The other day when I was out running in record temperatures something hit me as if I was running into my wall at mile 22.

   Forced to run slow because of the heat. I set my mind on just one facet of the run, my form. I quickly realized that somewhere over the last few months, probably because of injuries my form had been compromised. So for 7 miles this was my focus and just like a switch being turned on I was running with a smile again and more importantly running was easy and loose. Running loose was something I had forgotten how to do. Not realizing that the pressure I've been putting on myself mentally had inadvertently forced me to run tense and hard. The last 2 miles of that run were amazing even with the temperatures close to 100. So the next several runs I kept this in mind and just took what my body gave me instead of my mind taking what my body didn't have.

   The second part of this grand plan I've been building was on a personal level. I believe in balance and for someone to be truly happy a balance needs to exist.  To say that I've had a balance would be a lie. If I'm being honest evaluating the past several months it would be a colossal oversight to say that the loss of my boxer Sammy hasn't been weighing on me daily. In the wake of losing her I can look back and be grateful for what has developed since. My crazy lab Hunter and I have spent the time bonding. The loss has definitely made us grow closer. Closer than I ever thought we would. Definitely a blessing in disguise. It took him some time but with his hesitation and my approval he took over Sammy's spot on the couch. A hard decision for both of us but one that I think we knew was right.

   A few weeks ago, almost as if it was meant to be I adopted a puppy (another crazy lab) that needed saved from a horrible situation. My thought process was that it would be healthy for Hunter to have a friend again and some company when I wasn't home. So we welcomed Jax into our family. I think it goes without saying that it's been an adventure. Especially once Jax decided to come out of his shell and feel safe. Since then Hunter and Jax have been playing nonstop and there have been times where Hunter has given me that look that Sammy use to give saying "get this crazy dog off of me!". There have been times where I've actually called Hunter, Sammy when he has given me those looks. So I know my faithful old girl is looking down on us wagging her tail.

   To some extent I believe the loss of Sammy has impacted my running. Feeling guilty heading out after work or for a 3 hour run on my day off would weigh on my conscience knowing Hunter was by himself. Now with Jax a part of the family that weight has lifted and I'm sure it will get easier as the time passes and a new normal take place.So I think it goes without saying that having a second shadow following me around the house again has been nice even if one of the shadows is tugging at my pant leg.

   With all of this craziness in my life or lack of craziness depending on your standards I've also taken a hard look at the people in my life or lack thereof. Back in April I began the process of evaluating my expectations of the people around me. It's not often I get tired or fatigued (after all I run Marathons for fun) but certain people in my life have worn me down. I've come to understand that just because I have such high expectations of myself those expectations can't be applied to family and friends. Life gets in the way so having expectations often lead to disappointment. This is why I place so much value on the act of giving. Giving not in the sense of material items but the giving of time something that is more precious than anything we have. Something I think a lot have people have forgotten how to do. Even though all of this may seem negative (something I don't like to be) there has been a silver lining in the support system surrounding me.The old friends that have been pillars for me to lean on and the new friends that know that taking a minute out of their life to share a moment can mean everything. No excuses just the simple act of giving. Something we all should do more of just to be better people.

   Looking back at the blueprint I've been drawing it seems like I've been focusing on hammering one nail instead of looking at the entire project. As life gets in the way and does it's best to distract me I need to remember what's important and what my goals in this life are and what I can give back. So for now I've stopped chasing and returned to my happy pace. A pace that will bring a smile to my face and hopefully as I stop to give time put a smile on the faces and hearts of the people around me.

Running in Nashville

   It's Monday night and all day long I've been struggling with my race recap. I had over 9 hours of driving and all day today to think about about my race and how I actually feel about my performance. There is so much to be proud of and yet something inside of me is angry. I feel like the hills of Nashville got the best of me. I keep justifying not hitting my goal on the course, weather and my injury. In my mind they are all excuses but I guess every endurance athlete has a bad day. Ok....I feel a little better getting that off my chest now for the lessons learned and my race experience.

   I arrived into Nashville on Thursday night after a long drive. The only thing I wanted to do was run a few miles and knock off the rust. Instead of running the four I had set my mind on I actually listened to my body and only pulled off three just long enough to give me a good nights sleep.

   Friday went by in a flash. Probably because of the anticipation of the next days event. I got to meet new friends, had fun and learned some stuff at the expo and had the pasta dinner preparing for the race in the morning. The quiet time alone in the hotel room is where my mind started to stir. I kept going over my game plan, my pacing and my fueling strategy to get through the 26.2 miles. Needless to say with all of this circling my mind I didn't sleep to sound.

   Race day is finally here and after months of training the time had come for this moment. All of my morning preparations had been completed. Before I knew it I was in the corral. I was one of the first sitting on the ground stretching my injured hamstring. The hills of Nashville were on my mind as I loosened up. I didn't quite know what to expect out of my hamstring. In my prior long runs it was giving me a solid 10 miles before acting up so with it taped and on some rest due to the taper I was hoping for the best.

   The National Anthem was sung by Danny Gokey and honestly that's all I remembered from the start. I felt like I was in a zone. Before I knew it my corral was released and finally I was off running.The first 2 miles went by in a flash. My legs felt light and my strides were smooth. I'm not sure why, but in every race that I've run there has been an emotional wave crash down on me and this wasn't any different. Entering the 3rd mile and rounding a corner I saw a guy standing there cheering the runners. Normally this wouldn't cause me to tear up but he had his dog with him. A mixed boxer that looked like my Sammy who I lost just a month prior to the race. I made eye contact with his dog and just like that Sammy was with me again.

   I carried her memory with me for the next few miles until I was side tracked with the overwhelming urge to pee. Mile 6 is where I lost two minutes for my pit stop. We had already climbed some steep hills and from what the map of the course looked like I only had to get through another two miles before it flattened out. My hamstring didn't give me any issues and I knew, or so I thought I knew that the next two miles were going to be the toughest climb in the race.

   Mile 7 came and the funniest moment of the race happened. As I was pacing along focusing on my stride I passed a corner with some supporters when a woman standing with her friend shouted "Oh my God, marry me !!" All I could do was laugh and I kindly replied with "Sorry I've got somewhere to be." Now I'm not sure where that came from but it did make me laugh as I pressed on.

   Cruising along with no pain or issues I felt like I was running my race. I had completely forgotten about my hamstring issue until mile 12 when it decided to remind me it was still there. My thoughts were well that's two more miles than normal and with the pain quickly going away I felt it was going to be a good day. At the halfway point I was on pace to hit my goal. I had reached 13.1 miles faster than I ever had before and I wasn't pushing my pace. It was an easy comfortable run to that point. Then mile 15 came and the race began to unravel.

   Mile 15 was up a steep incline that I wasn't expecting. I knew there were a few small hills left on the course but the map didn't show this monster. At this point is where my hamstring wanted to quit. It was pulling and getting tight. Tight enough I had to stop for a few seconds to stretch it out. Up the hill I went and at the peak I knew I was in trouble. I knew my goal was probably going to be out the window because the pain wasn't going away so I made a conscience decision to adjusted the goal and set a new PR.

  I was slowing and my leg had a hard time extending. My form was getting sloppy and all I could focus on was my hamstring. As the miles went on my leg wouldn't open up so my shoe kept clipping my ankle rubbing it raw. At this point in the day the spring sun was beating down and at the aide stations they had volunteers spraying hoses for the runners as we passed by. At mile 18 my leg was completely gone and I had to readjust my goal to just finishing the race. All of the hard training through the winter months came down to just finishing. A very sobering and disappointing moment.

   At mile 19.6 I passed a house full of supporters. They had a microphone plugged into some speakers to cheer on the runners. The guy behind the mic saw me struggling and noticed my Ohio State hat. He came on the mic and said "Come on Buckeye !!" I smiled until he came back with "O-H..." I shouted back "I-O !!" and the house cheered as I slowly passed on. There is something about being from the Buckeye state gets me fired up. That encounter got me to mile 23.

   In the fall this is where I hit the wall. My energy level crashed because I didn't stick to my fueling game plan. This time around there was no wall to hit. I fueled perfectly and I felt like I could go faster my leg just wouldn't let me. Mile 23 was through a park and yet another steep hill. Small, but steep and there were plenty of people starting to walk. This is where I changed my goal one last time. Finishing was in sight so I only wanted to beat the guy with the red mohawk in the daisy dukes (not fun to be running behind I might add) and the girl who kept sprinting, walking and sprinting (I was getting irritated with her for some reason).

   As we climbed the last hill coming to mile 25 I began to get emotional again. I can't say why. Maybe it was the way the race played out. Maybe it was because I didn't hit my goal or maybe it was because I knew I had pushed my body so hard when most people would have quit. I'm still not sure and I'm OK with not knowing.

   Coming to the end of the race my playlist hit the song 'Till I Collapse. I was the perfect song to cross the finish line strong. I crossed the line and unlike in Columbus where I raised my hands excited and happy I looked down and cursed my hamstring. I received my medal and immediately went to the aide station for them to wrap my hamstring with ice. I grabbed a few bottles of water and some fruit bites and found a place to sit. It just so happened that it was in the middle of the parking lot of LP field. I layed back and just enjoyed the warmth of the sun and the nice breeze that was blowing. Some peaceful moments during all of the racing chaos to gather my thoughts.

   There is something to be said about endurance athletes and I was recently reminded that we are a gutsy group of people and that "running is not defined by the days we go out with a number pinned to your chest." I finished the task at hand and I am proud of that. There will always be another race and I'm grateful for what Nashville has taught me and I'll use that knowledge to grow as an athlete doing something that I love, running.

Adjusting the Lens

   This past year has been one amazing ride. One that I will say has been well deserved after the road that I've traveled the past few. The mental, emotional and physical transformation that I have gone through has made me a stronger more resilient man. Being able to take a step back and see that I've come full circle has been a blessing in disguise.

   Today I am only two weeks away from my second Marathon. April 30th is exactly 364 days past my first ever race. I never knew or realized that a year ago running and racing could have changed my life. I'm a different, better man all because of the self discipline, commitment and dedication running has taught me. All principals that I try to apply to my daily life. I recently had some time to reflect back on the past year when I received a kind note of support.

   This winter has been hard. In the beginning I enjoyed the challenge of hitting the road and fighting the weather. The cold, snow, freezing rain and sub zero wind chills were just another challenge to push myself through. It would be a lie to say that come the end of February and all of March didn't wear me down. Training for a spring Marathon is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. The mental and physical strain that a body and mind go through is extremely taxing. All of that was compounded by the loss of my beautiful friend and companion of the past 13 years, Sammy. That emotional loss of the only staple in my life over the past 13 years made it harder to get out the door for my runs, but knowing that she could finally run with me like she was a young pup again made those hard days pass by a little easier.

   As the winter moved on through and my complaints grew louder there came a point that I couldn't see the forest threw the trees. My body was beginning to fail me. My calf went first, then my Achilles and most recently my hamstring. I was logging more miles than I ever had before. There is something inside of me pushing and pushing to get better and faster. These injuries were only scars of my dedication and like the self confident fool that I can sometimes be; I ignored what my body was telling me.

   As I sit here reflecting on the past year I'm a little ashamed of the days when I let my negative attitude break through. With that being said I guess I'm only human and that may happen from time to time. I am, however grateful that my body hasn't completely failed me. I am still patiently waiting for my hamstring to heal  but the other injuries have passed and I'm extremely thankful for that.

  Today, April 16, 2011 I'm adjusting my lens. My heart is torn between what could be, and my ultimate goal. Although I don't have an official trainer or training partner I have a friend who has followed my progress is unable to run the next Marathon on her schedule due to an injury. My heart goes out knowing all of the hard work and dedication she has put into training through the cold winter months to prepare for this race. Knowing the type of person she is I know that she will come back stronger because that's what runners do. We NEVER give up. So get better Maureen and even though we've never met I appreciate all of your support and advice as I learn this crazy sport we love.

   The flip side of this coin, and my ultimate goal is being lived right now by another runner who has been ever so giving to share her first experience of running the Boston Marathon. Witnessing all of the emotions that are being poured into this weekend and through the race on Monday are truly inspiring. Maybe only runners can appreciate this accomplishment and what it means to have the privilege to cross Hopkinton Rd but I wanted to take just a moment to congratulate Jane on reaching her dream and being so kind to share it.Ohio is pulling for you so enjoy your moment.You've earned it.

  All of this is just lessons in life. Never take for granted of what you have and never ever give up on your dreams. This isn't just about running it's about what we all need and look for daily to be happy. Take that first step and find your happiness everyone deserves it.

Who We Are

   Life is a crazy sport ! We play this game of life hoping that if we win we will be truly happy. Most of the time we don't even realize that the clock is ticking until something traumatic happens that makes us call for a time out. Unlike the sports we enjoy on TV, our time outs in life can, at times bring us to our knees and shake our souls. After my 20 mile run yesterday I realized that my life was in one of those time outs over the past week.

   It's funny how the solitude of a run can help me deal with my thoughts and emotions. So at the crack of dawn, on a Sunday, when the world is still fast away in their beds I headed out hoping to start my game of life again.This past week I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life and I was hoping that somewhere along those 20 miles I would make peace with my decision.

   In 1998, looking for an addition to my home I ventured out to the local dog pound after seeing a cute picture in the paper. Something about that picture of a mixed boxer, head cocked to one side sucked me right in. She was just a pup maybe 8 months old. She was abused and malnourished and slated to be euthanized if she wasn't adopted. There was something about her dominate personality that almost said

"Well Mr. Vanek I choose you so let's do what we have to do and get out of here."

   Home now, and her official name became Samantha (Sammy) Vanek. The first few years were eventful to say the least. This loving pup was growing up to be a gorgeous dog. One that loved to test me and test her boundaries. Those first few years were scenes right out of the movie "Turner and Hooch" minus the slobber and drool. She loved to test me daily to see who was the boss and she learned very quick to talk back just like a sassy teenager. It'd be a lie to say I won all of these disputes. The fact is that I have a soft heart when it comes to my animals and sometimes I would just give in to that adorable grin.

   As the years moved on so did our relationship. We moved to Kentucky and back. I was in a relationship one that Sammy seemed to love. She became protector of the home. To some degree I think that because she couldn't have any puppies herself she protected the kids as if they were her own. That sense of protection almost cost her life. On a late summer day the mailman came to deliver the mail. Sammy jumped full force against the front window and it shattered. Her front legs going through and as she pulled back sliced them up. She was in bad shape and we didn't know if she was going to make it. I will give credit and thank my now ex-wife for making the decision to spend the money to try and save her. Sammy recovered months later with only a slight limp. This was just another testament to her will to live and survive.

   Time seemed to just slow as life just played out. I watched her face turn grey, as the game of life played on. We lost our friend Buster my old golden retriever and then we lost our family when my marriage fell apart. Sammy took it hard when the kids weren't around anymore. She spent weeks laying in their beds until she decided to let go. This heartbreak was one that made our bond stronger.

  It was evident that my old girl lost a step or two. Hunter (my chocolate lab) came into our lives and being a typical Lab kept Sammy on her paws and worked hard at keeping her young. The winter of 2010 was fast approaching and in my heart I could also see Sammy entering the winter of her life.

   On Thursday, my trusted old dog gave me a look from her spot on the couch that I understood. She was tired and was ready. With tears in my eyes and my heart shattered I knew what I had to do for this dog who gave me so much love. Friday March 4, 2011 at 6:06 pm my faithful partner of the past 13 years passed while laying in my arms leaving behind a loving dad and brother (Hunter).

   During this time out in my life I started to think about who we are. With some very kind gestures, comments and support during this hard time it hit me that friendship makes us who we are. Taking time out of ourselves to give to one another is what we are placed on this marble to do. Sometimes it's a helping hand or a gentle smile that gets us through a tough day. Sometimes it's that simple gesture to let you know you're not alone and you can lean on someone and sometimes, on that rare occasion you are given the precious gift of time and companionship that touches every fiber of your heart and soul.

   Unconditional love is what we all are looking for in this game of life. Dogs were put here to show us exactly what it feels like to have that touch our hearts. That is why it's so hard to say goodbye. Sammy, Hunter and I miss you everyday. I miss you talking back, I miss you stealing my shoes to sleep with or my dirty clothes to lay down with. I am going to miss looking over at you on the couch when we are watching TV. Most of all I'm going to miss you as my friend and all of the little things you did that just made me smile. Sammy you taught me how to be a friend, how to do the small things that may mean the world to someone, and in the wake of you moving on, you had the power to bring out the kindness and compassion from the people in my life. You were an amazing friend Sammy, I will never forget you. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

Samantha Vanek 1998-2011

Challenges

   It's February 2011, and the dead of winter in Northeast Ohio. As with most of the population in this part of the country cabin fever begins to creep into our souls. We still have weeks of cold, grey days that will test all of us who choose to live here. For some reason I've been reflecting on my life the past few weeks. Maybe it was my upcoming birthday, maybe it was just time to reevaluate the course of my life or maybe it was just a week of challenges that I faced. In recent years I've become a firm believer in taking inventory of my life and looking back at the road I've been traveling to make sure that the path I've been running is leading me to happiness.

   The week leading up to my birthday was a roller coaster physically and emotionally. I had the feeling of being lost, turned around and not knowing what direction to turn. I'm not sure how I got lost, but before I knew it I felt as if I was in the middle of a forest not knowing how to get out, and with no one around to hear me ask for help. So with this overwhelming, uncomfortable feeling filling my heart I did what I always do to sort out my issues. I laced up the shoes put the gloves and hat on and went running.

  I believe that I'm a good person. A man that always tries to make the right decisions. Although my approach doesn't always coincide with the main stream I generally believe I'm doing what's right or in better words, believe that the consequences of my decisions will make everyone in my life stronger. The past several weeks have tested the very fiber of who I am. These hurdles needed to be jumped so I could put my mind at ease.

  In the past week the old saying "blood is thicker than water" kept crawling through my brain and each time it crept into my mind an anger filled my heart. This anger has made me question who I am as a man, friend and father. During my runs I've had to evaluate each scenario that had played out over the past few weeks to put these challenges behind me. I've realized (something that most people probably all ready know) that even though the outcome of my decisions don't always give me what I want in the immediate future I have to believe and be patient that they will bring happiness into my life later down the road. It's amazing how the solitude of running and the simple cadence of my stride can help put my world into perspective.

   Last nights birthday run definitely made me look at my life in a different light. The events in my life over the past several years has changed me. I use to be one of those people just going through the motions of everyday life. This, I believe, is one of the reasons my marriage crumbled. A man just going through the motions of everyday life attempting to squeeze in some "me" time by running or cutting the grass. The divorce made me change my ways. I became a man that is an absolute pleaser. A man that has no balance or ability to distinguish between what's right for me verses just making my friends or family happy.

   At the top of a hill 2.5 miles into my run last night I paused as all of these thoughts washed over me. I looked back at the steep hill I just climbed thinking "that hill use to kick my ass" and smiled because it's nothing to me anymore. I turned around picked up my pace and enjoyed one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen. The sun sinking, behind the snow covered hills and bare trees of the sleeping landscape while casting a gorgeous pink sky in the distance. Smiling because in that moment all of the challenges that I've been dealing with felt as if they were behind me just like that old hill that I use to struggle with.

   As I continue to be a pillar for those in my life I know that my new challenge is to find that elusive balance I didn't know I was looking for. Somehow I believe that as long as my feet continue to hit the ground in perfect cadence I will find that balance and then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to start a new chapter in my life.Until that is ready to be written I'm just going to smile and continue to enjoy who I am, and who I'm becoming. I'm going to soak up my personal growth because I believe it's going to bring me to happiness.

2010 Year End Review

   It's amazing how fast this year has gone. Most people are welcoming the start of the new year as an opportunity to start over, start fresh, and toss the old out to the curb. As the year was winding down I couldn't help but think to myself all of the new year's resolutions that will be made and not kept. I guess the new year gives people hope and hope is a good thing to have, but from what I've learned this past year hope is only a small piece of the puzzle. Change only comes from a desire to be a better, stronger and more caring person. This is a decision we all have the ability to make each and every day when we open our eyes.

   I welcomed 2010 just like everyone else wanting and hoping for a better year. I guess I thought fate would play a large part in how the year unraveled and to some degree this is true. Somewhere around February I realized that my choices were going to have a larger impact on how good or bad my year turned out. I made the decision to break through my glass ceiling and turn my love of running into my lifestyle.

   I registered for my first half marathon and ran it in May. The results were not what I expected or desired. I crossed that finish line my emotions seemed to take over the "Joe" that was weak and beat up from a failed marriage and that constant feeling of failure seemed to leave my heart. I began to believe that I could conquer anything.

   The months rolled and the running mile began to pile up. Before I knew it I was back in Columbus, Ohio for my second half marathon. I was feeling strong and confident. A new "Joe" was emerging. At the end of that race I had a noticeable improvement in speed and endurance. Later that afternoon at a running expo promoting the Columbus Marathon I decided this was going to be my next accomplishment. I left Columbus to head home and didn't quite realize the road I was on. My year was unraveling in a way I never expected and it was all because of my daily choice to get stronger not only as a runner but as a person.

   October 17, 2010 the Columbus Marathon. Wow was I nervous! I'm in Columbus flying solo and it was like everything that I had experienced over the past few years was challenging me all over again. The gun sounded and I was off and running. The range of emotions that I battled over those 26.2 miles transformed me into a stronger man a transformation that I didn't expect. All of the heartache, weakness, confusion and anger was left behind me littering the streets of Columbus.

   So last night when I was out celebrating the New Year all of this started to cross my mind. The "Joe" that started the year was definitely not the same that was finishing it. I smiled throughout the night as I listened to people state their new resolutions, but somewhere knowing most of those new beginnings will fall to the wayside as 2011 passes through. I've let go of some toxic thoughts and feelings that have been polluting my heart and mind for the past several years and I'm stronger for it. 2010 I learned to be comfortable in my own skin. There is a common misconception that people don't change. After 2010 I can firmly say that they do and they can. It's a choice we all have the ability to make, but it's a choice we have to make every day until it becomes the new "you". I have a long way to go but I'm ok with that. This is my road and it will only make me stronger. This is the road I choose to run.   

Thankful Thoughts

   It's December and the long cold winter is just starting to settle into Northeast Ohio. The pace of the world seems to be moving at light speed with most everyone gearing up for the holidays. The seasons first snowfall has covered the area and the bitter temperatures of the year are only beginning to take hold. The landscape of the countryside where I live has fallen into a deep slumber, leaving me wishing, wanting and needing warmer days. This is the time of year when I usually begin complaining about living in a northern state, but with that said the change in season also leaves me thinking of everything I'm thankful for.

   The hustle and bustle of the Christmas Holiday is in full swing. The stores are full of cranky shoppers and roads packed with irritated drivers. This is what the holidays are all about (inject a hint of sarcasm here). Listening to the complaints around me on a daily basis, including my own I paused last night to reflect back on a time when this season was innocent and fun.

   This time of the year has always been my favorite but the events in my life over the past few years has cast a dark cloud over, not just this holiday but, in all honesty all of the holidays. Last night while at Yoga the instructor was telling us to take deep breaths and release our day. Given that I didn't have a taxing day I decided to reflect and let go of everything that has been on my mind as the Christmas holiday approaches. I let go of the shattered traditions I've built over the past 10 years with my family. Some of the traditions I carried on from my childhood that made the holiday even more special. I let go of the anger, sadness and stress that my heart and mind has been carrying. Maybe I needed someone to tell me to let it go or maybe I was looking for a reason. Whatever the motive, with those deep breaths that weight on my soul was lifted and instantly I recognized the positive changes I've made in my life.

   That night on the drive home I realized that I am a completely different man compared to three years ago. That thought put a smile on my face because I'm a better man. Maybe it's getting older or maybe it's understanding who I am, but I'm thankful that I found the courage to continue down my road. One thing is for certain. My road will never come to an end and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities  and experiences that are down my road that I have yet to discover. Most of all I'm thankful for all of the family and friends along the side of my road that have the patience and understanding to witness and tolerate my success and failures. So with the Christmas season in full swing I'm thankful for the true gifts in my life. My family and friends. Merry Christmas and a Happy NEW Year !!

 

Treasure Hunting

   Running has been an incredible stress reliever for me, it clears my head and puts my soul at ease. Every once in awhile one of my runs turns into an experience. These experiences are sometimes brief, sometimes spur thoughts and sometimes just put a smile on my face. Today was one of those days that sparked all three and made my run complete.

   The first moment that crossed my path today was shortly after my run began. Less than a half mile into my route I had the pleasure to soak in some rays of heat that the sun was blessing me with. Under a bright blue fall sky those flashes of heat that were so brief on this cool crisp fall afternoon warmed not not only my body but my soul as well. As I continued on I began to think that if everyone just stole a few minutes today to breathe in the last bit of warmth the sun was offering this part of the country just might be a happier place. With that thought in my head I continued down my path.

   Three miles into this jaunt I start down a narrow country road. There was no shoulder to run on and traffic was picking up as people were making the commute home. This stretch of my route is a steady incline and provides no room for error either on my part or the passing drivers. Usually I'm the first person to condemn and complain about the driving skills of the people in my town, not today. The drivers on the road today were extremely vigilant and friendly. At times stopping to give me extra space and passing along a wave and a smile. As I continued to grind the up the hill those small treasures that people shared with me made my day a little brighter and the hill a little bit easier.

   At this point in my run I started to notice the little things that I came across. The small, seemingly insignificant things I take for granted or just fail to notice. For example a caterpillar making his way across the road. This made me think about all the the hardships that everyone goes through. The difficult decisions everyone has to make from time to time in order to make it to the next chapter of our lives. The hard decisions we know we have to make just to live a happier more peaceful life. I didn't stick around to see if the little guy made it across the road, but his journey stuck with me. His journey reminded me of the times I knew a friend was going through a hard time and I offered advice but didn't follow through to help them cross their road. I carried this thought and the thought that I could be a better friend at times for the next few miles until I found my next treasure that the countryside offered.

  Most of my hill workout was complete and I was headed home. I started down one of my favorite stretches of road. The path is a narrow country road with no traffic flow. The road runs along a huge red barn and some overgrown fields. This stretch always has some type of gem waiting for me to discover. On this gorgeous fall afternoon it didn't disappoint. Making my way up to the barn a flock of wild turkeys were coming out of the field. This actually made me laugh, the sight of 12 or 13 turkeys waddling down the road away from me  was kind of funny. I noticed one of the turkeys was left behind trapped behind a dilapidated fence. No sooner did I notice this, the flock that was waddling away from me stopped, and made their way to the side of the road to waited for the one left behind.

   If we all were so lucky to have family and friends waiting for us as we struggled getting over and through our own fences in life the world just might be a better place. As I passed the flock I looked back and the turkeys made their way back to the one that was lost. I pushed on with a smile making my way to the open farm fields just up one of the last hills of the run. Running down the last part of my favorite road is usually where I soak up the sun and notice all of the amazing colors beaming from the fields yet to be plowed over. A peaceful calm feeling usually comes over me at this point in the run and like always that stretch of road didn't fail me.

   I don't remember much of the last two miles with those thoughts grazing through my mind, but I do recall reaching my driveway with a smile. This run just seemed a little different. My eyes were open and my mind was clear. All of the small treasures in life that I just pass on by because my life is so busy made an impact on me and made my run that much more enjoyable.

   The next time you are off running the kids to football or soccer practice; the next time you are going to the store or running off to that meeting stop for a second and take in one of the small treasures that are all around us.  You don't have to be a runner to enjoy the small wonders in life, but if you're able to pause and notice the beautiful colors in the sky or that butterfly that floats across your path, you just might have a better day and in the end isn't that what we all want ?

A Season of Firsts

    The leaves are falling, and all of the beautiful fall colors are fading into a slumber. The cold winter months are fast approaching the Ohio landscape, and for most the change of season is a wonderful welcome. For this runner, I start to think of all of the challenges, and blessings the unpredictable winter can bring. While most people are anxiously awaiting the traditional holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas (and to some degree I am as well) for some odd reason I'm awaiting the first real snow fall of the year. I am anxious, nervous and excited, not because I enjoy the cold or the winter (quite the contrary), but because of the difficulties and wonders I will experience until the spring thaw. Let me explain....

   The summer heat that blessed my soul is all but gone for the year. The grey sky's of Ohio will soon push away the bright blue sky's of fall. Old Man Winter is knocking at the door, and that first morning I step outside to see my breath rise into the air is a game changing moment. I am on the doorstep of some of the years hardest running. I'll pull my hat over my ears, adjust my gloves and take my first run allowing the cold air scorch my lungs. My cheeks red and my nose running, that first run of the new season is always the most important. For me it sets the tone for the upcoming hurdles of the long Ohio winter.

    At the top of my list of difficulties are shorter days. With daylight already getting scarce the road can become a scary place. Speeding cars, distracted drivers and deteriorating road conditions are some of the challenges that are waiting for me to conquer. Running in the dark of night or in this time of year, the afternoon can present some of the more peaceful moments of a day. My first experience running in the dark was on a late fall evening. The temperature was in the high 30's with a strong wind blowing out of the west. I was running on the local High School track. A simple 5 mile run was on tap and the battery in my iPod had just died. I love running with music but I wasn't going to let this inconvenience derail the workout. As I began to make laps the sound of the wind whipping through the white oaks, my foot falls and the sound of my breathing became my music. With how fast the world is moving these days it's hard to pause and just enjoy the simple things around us. I don't recall if I struggled during the run or what my time was, but I do remember the amazing natural music that surrounded me lap after lap. With that first run in the dark that wonderful memory is etched into my mind forever and a love affair of sorts was started.

   As fall is quickly blown away by the winter winds a new season of running will quickly descend upon me. I'm not one for the cold, snow or wind but I am one who enjoys finding those peaceful first moments I can store in my memory. Those moments for me can't be found on a treadmill or in a gym watching the snow fall outside a window. My lungs are strong now; the early winter air no longer a distraction on the runs I so love to do. The hurdle I now face is the snow covered ground. As I head out on an early morning another of the seasons firsts will kiss me. Walking to the end of my drive to start the run there is a sound of snow crunching under my shoes and my warm breath rising into the cold morning air. Off I go with a short stride and quick pace savoring the cadence of the fresh snow crunching under my feet. That amazing short morning run is where I often cross paths with the deer roaming through the country. This a blessing that without fighting the slippery unstable roads and the freezing wind biting my skin I'd never have the experience or the memory to share with those close to me.

   The winter months will continue to punish Northeast Ohio and as they do I continue to push through. Some days finding the energy or the motivation is a difficult opponent to tackle. On one day this past winter I was fighting the call of my couch a hot cup of tea and an episode of CSI: Miami. Feeling guilty, I got ready to head out into a heavy snow fall and temperatures in the teens. The roads already had 4 inches of snow packed down by the cars coming home from work. School for the next day had already been canceled and here I am at the end of my drive questioning my decision. That run was the single best experience I've ever had in the winter months. That defining moment became my motivation to log miles over the harsh winter, and why I'm nervous, excited and anxious about what lies ahead.

   It's early evening, dark and cold. The small town I live in shut down, bracing for the snow storm that predicted 8 to 12 inches and I'm ready to run. For me running in extreme conditions is nothing new. A few years back when the remnants of Hurricane Katrina blew through Ohio I was out running. Dodging falling branches and fighting the brutal winds was one of the craziest things I've done, but one that not many people can say they have. So with that in mind I wasn't about to let a heavy snow fall stop me from logging my 4 miles. I decided to head west. For the first half mile I was complaining. The large heavy snow flakes crashing into my face. The road was soft and the snow was falling as if I was watching a movie playing in slow motion. As I make my way down the road I see flashing lights in the distance. Coming up the road a plow attempting to clear the road, but not making a difference. It passes me and disappears into the dark. As I make my way to the end of the road I notice it eerily quiet and calm. It seemed as if I was the only soul left on the planet. I brush off the feeling and continue on home. Halfway home unable to see through my fogged up glasses I stopped to wipe them clear. In that moment is where it seemed time stood still. I stood in the middle of the road and noticed all of the "nothing" that was going on around me. Not a sound was to be heard, no traffic in the distance, no planes overhead, no wind blowing, nothing, not a sound. Taking time to look around at the snow still falling in slow motion. Taking in color of the orange sky caused by the street lights that looked like candles flickering in that winter storm. It was in that minute that I actually enjoyed my first moment of nothing, nothing but pure uninterrupted peace. An incredible calming feeling, one that I haven't experienced since. I keep running and chasing that feeling hoping it will cross my path again. That first experience is what helps push me through all of the hard winter running.

   The months ahead are not going to be easy. The terrain, weather, drivers and darkness all are reasons to stay inside and curl up next to the fireplace enjoying the company of my dogs, but I'm a runner, my soul needs that cadence to be happy. All of the seasons firsts are out there waiting for me and I'm going to be right there to soak up all of the wonders we are usually to busy to notice. The road is where my heart belongs.

My Reasons for Running

   I would like to say I've been a runner all of my life, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When I was younger I just didn't understand why an otherwise sane person would run just to run. In fact I didn't even consider running as a sport. Track and Field was semi-entertaining but throw me a football and let me show you how these magic fingers worked. Running to me was always the middle aged man attempting to lose a few pounds because he was going through some sort of a life crisis, until I became that man.

   Far removed from the glory days of catching a football here I am, a 36 year old man just on the other side of my own crisis, now running. It is only nine days after my first marathon and I've already logged another 22.95 miles. On my run Sunday, one that wasn't planned I might add, I was struggling. The wind was beating me down and my body just didn't have the energy. Around the 4 mile mark of the 7 mile run I began to think "why am I doing this ? You should have rested like you planned ! " Nothing except negative thoughts were crawling through my mind until I just stopped. That brief minute at the intersection as I waited for the cars to pass I lifted my head to the sun looked at the changing leaves and smelled a fall bonfire burning in the distance and thought "I love this !"  Now I would love to weave some inspirational story that my love for that moment enabled me to pick up my pace and the run magically became easy, but as any runner knows that would be pure fiction. Truth is my struggles continued until the entire seven miles was in the books.

 Throughout the next day I started to think to myself what my reasons were for running. From the stories I've read it seems everyone has their own reasons for taking part in this crazy sport. Some very inspirational and some just make sense. My story is somewhere in between.

  Four years ago I started to run and honestly I didn't even consider myself a runner. I was that middle aged man battling daily to save a failing marriage. I didn't even feel as if I belonged on the road, but as my marriage deteriorated the road was the only place I found comfort (that thought obviously came in hindsight). Here I was, this guy on a back country road almost embarrassed because I could only do two miles and all the while any passer by would have thought I was having a heart attack. I was a fair weather runner. Once the cold air moved into Ohio for the winter I was done. In fact I didn't even like to go get the mail let alone log a few miles. Besides the air burned my lungs, my knees hurt, my hips hurt, my fingers and toes got to cold. I'm sure you get the picture by now, I made up every excuse I could not to get out there.


  Winter would pass and I would find my way back out on the road making a feeble attempt to build some endurance. As I look back now the more stress I had in my life the more I would run. The pavement became one of my therapists as I'm sure it has for many of us. The other was my best friend Buster. An old golden retriever that knew and shared everything in my life. For those that know me, yes my boxer Sammy was there as well but she was partial to my now ex-wife and the kids. At the beginning of that first summer I lost my best friend. Buster was 13 and not wanting the kids or my wife to see what I was going through I hit the road running. I was utterly devastated, lost and felt I had lost the only friend I had in my life. The road is where everything seemed to make sense and it was where I could go to visit Buster. The memories I carried of him on those runs made the time that I wasn't running tolerable.

   Those 2 miles became 3 and then 4. I eventually out grew my road so I started to hit the high school track. I was doing 5 mile runs with ease or so I thought it was easy. I began to hold my ground against Mother Nature. For two years my last run for the year ended on Christmas Eve. When that day came I began to feel as if I had accomplished something for the year.

   Last year was a turning point in my life. With my marriage now legally over I began to break out of my shell and on those runs that I needed so bad I began to evaluate my part that contributed to the failed marriage. I began to work on things so that I could be a better man, a better person. The road helped me sort out all of the feelings and issues I had with myself and somewhere along the side of one of these back country roads I found my peace.

   My life had started over. I had met some new friends that opened their lives and families up to me. People that took a chance on me when they were entrenched in their own war, and as I had done in the past with my old friend Buster I began to take these new friends running with me. Depending on how tough the day was I'd take their kind smile or their wise advice or just a simple thought that someone enjoyed me as a person. Running to me took on an entirely new meaning and the conversations I had with the road, I believe has made me a better man.

   Christmas Eve was here and as in previous years the official end to my running season. There was snow on the track. I couldn't make out the lanes but I plowed through it logging my five miles in the dark and at the end I didn't feel as if I had accomplished anything. Walking back to my car I said maybe it will hit me tomorrow after all Santa was coming so maybe that will be my gift. As with every Christmas I was up at the crack of dawn (yes I'm a big kid and love Christmas). I wake and no feeling of accomplishment wrapped up under the tree. Just my dogs looking at me as if to say "Dad come back to bed 4:30 is way to early for us". I got dressed and drove to my parents to wake them with my brothers and still no gift of accomplishment. We enjoyed a great holiday filled with laughs, naps, food and gifts. Just what I needed for my first Christmas flying the sleigh solo.

  On my way home I still couldn't understand why I was missing the feeling that had taken hold of me the past two years. Once I was home I figured there was only one way to find it so on that Christmas night I went running looking for that lost feeling. The only thing I found that night was that running for me, now has no season.

   I continued on and a new chapter of my life opened when I began training for and running races. I've only raced in a few but that long lost feeling of accomplishment that I went out searching for Christmas night was found. At the completion of my first race (a grueling half marathon in the cold and rain) that feeling I had been searching for was waiting for me as I was running to the finish. I crossed the line and my emotions slapped me in the face. That emotional feeling of accomplishment has met me at the finish of all of my races. An unbelievable feeling that makes the heart swell with pride and the eyes fill with tears. For everything that I left out on the course mental and physical, the finish line actually became the start of something new.

   Looking back at the past few years from where I was to where I am now I'm amazed. The physical, emotional and mental transformation that has taken place in my life has been unbelievable. I was one never to show my emotions, take risks or break away from my routine. I'm still a creature of habit but I no longer feel the need to sit back and wait my turn in life. There is the old saying that people don't change. I am living proof that they can but the decision has to be made and worked on everyday.

   When my story started I was running from the stress in my life. The road gave me answers and helped me develop patience with things I can't control. I turned the page and started running towards something. That feeling that I was worth something and that I could accomplish anything became my focus. As long as I remember the lessons the road has taught me I know that the feeling of accomplishment will always be waiting for me and in the end I believe I've learned the true reasons I run.....

   I run to remember all of the blessings I have had in my life. I run to remember all of my amazing friends. I run to remember their smiles, their small gestures of friendship that mean the world to me. I run to remember the friend that is no longer here with me but to know he still is. I run to remind myself to be a better person, a better man, a better friend. Everyone fights their own battles. Some we win some we lose. but the road has taught me how to put those lost battles behind me and learn from the path I have taken. Running has made me the man I am today and by continuing to run it will make me a better person tomorrow. This is why I run.

                                                                       Joe Vanek

My Marathon Journey

   Today is Thursday October 21, 2010 officially four days after my first marathon. I have been reading blog after blog and different race reports posted from the fall racing season. All of the stories have been very inspirational so while out on a run this afternoon I decided to share my story as well.

  My journey began about four years ago and when it started I didn't even realize I was on one. Recently it hit me when I was reading my bio on Facebook that said "I enjoy running a few miles a day". After reading that it was almost like stopping in the middle of a long run and looking back at the road behind you and thinking "Wow I've come a long way. I might as well keep going." At that point in my life running was an escape. A reason to burn through the stress, not calories that had been building in my marriage. Running quickly became my outlet to get centered and deal with the stress of a marriage falling apart.

   Fast forward two years my wife now my ex and the two children I raised for the past 10 years moved on to a different state. My life became a scene out of the movie Forrest Gump. Feeling sorry for myself I went on one of my normal 3 mile runs. Once I got to the end of my road a decision was made to keep going and I've been going ever since. Three miles became five. Five miles became eight and I kept going. I kept my legs moving through the cold harsh winters on Northeast Ohio pushing myself to finish just one more run for the week. At some point during the winter a friend contacted me about a half marathon in May. At this point I had no ambition to race or know anything about them but as I thought about it I decided to try something new. With that decision almost as if I was at the end of my road again the next mile in my journey began.

   Still completely ignorant to what the sport of running was I logged my training miles. Some of the toughest miles I ran in the deep snow and cold blowing winds. I figured that was all I had to do. I had no knowledge of form, nutrition, hydration or equipment. I assumed that racing was just putting on your shoes and running. Although I loved the experience of my first race I was disappointed with my time (1:57:56). Feeling beat down on that cold, rainy day in May I knew in the back of my head that running had become much more that an outlet. It had become part of my being.

   Knowing I left some time on the course in May I decided to go for a PR and registered for another half marathon in July. I healed and trained harder not smarter for the race. I battled through some foot and knee injuries and when July rolled around I set a new PR by 6 minutes (1:51:00). That improvement was still disappointing to me. That was when I started to educate myself and what a rude awakening it was.What I learned was that I had been doing it all wrong. The first 2 races I didn't eat, I didn't hydrate I was even wearing the wrong shoes. My form was horrible wasting energy with every stride so I decided to start over. After the race in July there was an Expo to promote the Columbus Marathon. That very day I decided I was going to run this race but this time I was going to train smarter not harder and let the chips fall where they may.

   The summer went by in a flash. In a short time I felt myself becoming a more efficient runner. I taught myself how to eat and drink while running. Learning how nutrition plays a part in my results (I'm still working on this piece). I've logged some long runs listening to my body to fend off injuries. All of this with the date of October 17, 2010 on my brain. The best part of all of this is I've met some incredible people (@mparmann) with the knowledge and the patience to support my stubborn ways. The running community is amazing. Athletes who support all that you do just for the love of the run, ride or walk.

   So the day has come. All of the pre-race preparation was complete. Sleeping the night before was almost impossible and the nerves at the begging of the race were almost unbearable. Standing there alone a calm came over me when the National Anthem played. The nerves were put to bed and the excitement was awakened when the fireworks went off to start the race. In a few minutes I was going to cross the start and continue this journey I started 4 years ago.

   The first 5 miles went by in the blink of an eye. The people and the sights along the course were amazing. Dodging 15,000 runners and trying to settle into a pace was the hardest part well until mile 6 when nature called. Thankfully we were running by a park and there was a tree that needed watered so I obliged. I continued on taking in fluids along the way soaking up the energy from the complete strangers that were out to cheer the runners on and before I knew it I started to make up some of the time I had lost earlier in the race. My pace was smooth and my form efficient all coming to me just as I had trained.

   The next five miles were really easy. They evaporated before my eyes all because I was in awe of the people out in the different neighborhoods. Right after we crossed the mile 9 marker the first wave of emotion hit me like a truck. Anyone that knows me knows I really don't show my emotions but as I came up to some kids holding their hands out for a high five I was reminded of my step kids and how they always supported my 2 and 3 mile runs as they rode their bikes. Fighting back a quivering lip and the tears forming in my eyes I pressed on with a smile.

   I had broken the race up in my mind to help me get through and as we were coming on the half way mark my heart started to beat a little faster. It could have been the big flashing sign that pointed to the left for the half marathon runners and straight ahead for the full marathon. I passed the sign and thought "this is what I love to do, I've got this !!" I was feeling a little cocky because I felt amazing. It felt as if I had only run 5 or 6 miles and I was just finding my groove.

   The miles ticked away with ease and somewhere between mile 17 and 18 my emotions crept back up on me. Thinking about everything that I've been through and where I was at that point in my life the tears began to swell up. Managing to fight them back at this moment I knew this race was more than just a race. As we came up to the 20 mile marker my body was feeling incredible. This is where I made my only mistake. I didn't stick to the plan to eat as I had trained. I was feeling incredible as if I had only run 10 miles. With that in my head I said to myself " It's only 6.2 miles left, piece of cake" The marathon had different plans for me.

   Cruising along I had to fight back one more wave of emotion that crashed into me at mile 22. A little girl that looked like my daughter holding a sign that said "Run Daddy Run". This was hard to push down because that is exactly what my daughter has said to me on those short runs up and down my road. Getting tired at this point I found the energy to swallow that emotion, force a smile and keep pushing on.

   At mile 23 is where the marathon decided to smack me in the face. The athletes were struggling and I felt my energy fading to nothing. The roadside was beginning to look like a battlefield. I passed runners laying down on the sidewalk with medics, runners puking up green Gatorade and countless runners beginning to walk from exhaustion. My mind was telling me only 3.2 miles left. I began to think how lucky I am to have people in my life that care for me. I thought about the kind, caring and happy smiles that I had the pleasure to experience over the past 2 years. Those thoughts along with remembering what my friends have gone through or are going through made the next two miles possible. The thought hit me that everyone is fighting their own battle and what I was experiencing at the moment was small in the grand scheme of things.

  Finally the last 1.2 miles !! The crowds are getting bigger cheering for you that you're almost there. Magically (actually it was probably adrenaline) I had a burst of energy. The banner that said 1/2 mile to go was in sight and I picked up my pace. As the crowds got louder I began to soak it up. Coming up the final incline a runner fell over his hamstring cramped up I kept pushing. I rounded the corner and there was the FINISH. All down hill. I picked up speed and as I was getting closer I raised my arms as I crossed the line (3:50:03) and as I did I expected the emotions that I battled on the run to all come rushing back. To my surprise nothing, nothing but relief.

   I received my medal got a few bottles of water and made my way to Celebration Village. I found a nice patch of grass exposed to the sun and I sat down. The sun felt incredible and as I sat there legs stretched drinking my water and just like that tears that I fought back earlier fell down my face. Happy and sad both fell but in that moment everything seemed to make sense. I don't know why or how things just seemed to line up and now I know I can accomplish anything.

                                                                Joe Vanek 1410 /3:50:03
                                                            Columbus Marathon 10/17/10